The Price of Playing
by rosiemurderer
Summary: It was always "us" and "them". They were never "us" and we were never "them." And I liked it, Hikaru. But now it's no longer "us", it's just "me", while they're still "them". That's like a million to one. Isn't that a little unfair? Then again, when are our games ever fair? -Kaoru
1. The Accident

**A/N: What is with me and shows with twins? Coincidence? Probably.**

**This takes place during "Operation Haruhi and Hikaru's First Date" and what might've happened if Haruhi had gone with Arai. Or at least the sad version.**

* * *

I.

_"It's not your fault," they say._

_"It was an accident," they say._

_Or worse._

_"I'm sorry."_

_Well, just because they say it wasn't my fault, doesn't mean it's true._

_And no amount of apologies is going to bring him back either_.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'll start from the beginning. Not the very beginning, but the beginning you should know about.

_Summer had just begun. We were staying in Karuizawa, my brother and I, to keep an eye on a friend of ours while she was working for a friend of her Dad's. You see, we were all in the same club together with our other friends._

_It was supposed to be fun. Relaxing in what seemed like a little safe haven, all seven of us. Together._

_At first, she was against us bugging her while she worked. I could understand why, as did the others. She took the job to get away, whether it was from us or from the tedious routine of everyday life, I wasn't sure. She wanted a little peace, that was all. But we were all very protective of her, so we couldn't let her out of our sight. Nevertheless, I think the day after out arrival she started warming up to the idea of us staying in Karuizawa for the summer. Then again, I didn't have much time to notice much before another variable entered the equation._

_One of her old friends from middle school came through the door. My brother didn't really like how much attention this new stranger was getting from her and, as always, he let his emotions get the better of him. He said some things he didn't mean and some things he might have meant. All I knew was that he couldn't take anything back._

_ If the two of them, she and he, had anything in common it was this: their emotions were their guides. Although, with her, it was still very restricted. Still, as always, she took care of herself. And him._

_And let's get one thing straight._

_My brother does not like being taken care of._

Wait_. Well, at least not in the way she took care of him._

I'm sorry if I'm being vague. It's just too painful right now. It's all I can do to keep myself together.

_Anyway, long story short, he was mad. So I, being the loving younger brother, devised a brilliant plan to get my brother to confront his feelings for our friend. They spent the day together laughing and talking and even though they hit a few bumps in the road, I knew he'd pull out all the stops for her and everything'd be perfect. _

_Or I thought that's what would happen, at least._

Here's where I have to stop being vague. No matter how much it hurts.

_Her name is Haruhi Fujioka._

_My brother, Hikaru Hitachiin, was my twin._

_On their date the other day, Hikaru ran off on his own, seeing Haruhi with her old friend. Jealous and selfish, he hid out on his own during the storm. I didn't know he was on his own until Haruhi came back by herself. She said he'd ran off and that was all I needed to hear before I ran out to find him myself._

_Sure, I heard the muffled protests trailing behind me and I felt the sting of the icy rain on my back, but it didn't matter. Now it was my turn to give into emotion, and that emotion was fear. Fear that I'd lost him, and not from Haruhi._

_It wasn't supposed to end like this._

_This wasn't according to plan._

_I found him on the other side of a wide road. I'd heard from someone at the Bed and Breakfast that it was known for speeding because of the emptiness surrounding it, but in that moment, I didn't care. I was seeing him. He was fine. I called his name through the wind and he looked up. He was still in one piece._

_My heart settled too soon._

_There was thunder._

_Hikaru, he was running across the road to meet me._

_A car came._

_It wasn't fast, but the rain..._

_It was like I blinked and he was gone._

_And I saw it._

I can't breathe.

Do I have to go on?

Yes.

_Hikaru, he-he was dead before the ambulance even got there._

_When we first met Haruhi, we didn't know she was a girl, but the second we found out Hikaru and I looked at each other, a single thought connecting us in that moment: "Dibs."_

_I'd always liked Haruhi, for more reasons than one. But I always knew that Hikaru liked her, so I stepped aside for him. No matter how much Haruhi meant to me, Hikaru meant more, after all. I just never imagined that when I stepped aside for him to get to Haruhi, thinking I'd given him the perfect opportunity to learn to express his feelings properly, it would end up being a trap door leading him to his..._

Nevermind.

It's been weeks since the accident. At least, I think it's been weeks. I've lost track of time here, in this dark room, lying where he lay just weeks before, beside me while there was a he to be beside me.

I've been sleeping a lot lately. The way I see it is, I can either live with myself or I can leave the world behind me, just like he did. I can plunge myself into darkness, and one day, I knew I wouldn't wake up to see the disappointment of morning. But it seemed like every time I woke up, I woke up to a different face.

Mother. Sometimes Father. A maid or too. Maybe even Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai.

But the only face I wanted to see was the face I never saw.

The Boss comes by a lot. He talks a lot about how I shouldn't be sulking and how Hikaru would have wanted me to seize the day and all that crap. But that's all it is: talk. The last time he came over, he gave up a lot sooner. He set down the flowers he brought for me and left without another word. I watched them for hours, like they would move or maybe even tell me something. Couldn't take my eyes off of them, really. Suddenly, there was something alive in my presence.

But I ruined it for myself almost immediately. The flowers were cut at their stems. They were slowly dying, being cut off from their most constant life source: The earth. Poor things.

It doesn't matter anymore though.

They're dead now anyway, just like...

No.

I can't even finish the thought.

Kyoya-senpai came by just after the Boss. He probably told Kyoya-senpai all about me, stressing every possible detail, no doubt. Kyoya-senpai told me how worried I'm making everyone and how selfish that is. I was about to sit up and yell back at him. I mean, how was I being selfish? But before I could, he said that he understood why I was acting this way. It wasn't everyday a part of you was ripped out, you know.

I knew he meant well. He didn't mean to be so cold.

It was just his way.

On his way out, I spoke for the first time in a long time. I asked him if Haruhi was okay.

"She's fine. In fact, I think she's more worried about you than anything," Kyoya purred, knowing he was getting under my skin, "You haven't be taking very good care of yourself, after all, Kaoru."

Then he left, leaving me with a million questions.

He was probably bluffing. Boss probably wanted to motivate me to go outside again. Or Honey-senpai was worried about me, probably wanted to have someone to eat cake with again.

But there was always the chance that it was true.

I turned my head to the nightstand where my phone sat, just within arms reach. It would be so easy just to reach over and call her. But that's what made it so hard.

I fell asleep again thinking over all the ways one phone call could go horribly wrong.

The next time I woke up, there was sunlight. It was strange to feel the warmth of it again. Like the sun was some foreign monster I'd spent my life avoiding.

I didn't like it.

"Shut the curtains," I grumbled to whoever was in the room, throwing the blankets over my head.

"A little sunshine never hurt anyone," a familiar voice dead panned. "Besides, you could use some. You're looking paler than usual."

I stiffened as I felt the bed give in to new weight. "Go away, Haruhi," I insisted.

"I will once you talk to me," she said. She sounded like she was sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I am talking to you," I said like a little kid who thought he was the smartest bastard in the world.

"No, you're not," Haruhi persisted, "Come on. Sit up and talk to me. The least you could do is meet me halfway."

"Halfway," I repeated mostly to myself, but she took it like I was talking to her and answered, "Yeah, halfway. I came all the way here just to see you. Kyoya-senpai told me. I was worried."

To that, I turned to her, only the top half of my face out of the blanket like I was a little kid and she was the Boogieman or something. "You were worried about me?"

Haruhi rolled her eyes, not very Haruhi-ish, if you ask me. "Well, of course. You haven't gotten out of bed in weeks. Your parents don't even want to have the funeral while you're like this. We've been-Oh, have you even eaten?" That last part, it was like she was scolding me.

I felt my face warm up. "Uh, no," I answered dumbly.

Haruhi crossed her arms, "Do you realize how unhealthy that is? Wait here."

Then she walked out.

I sat up in bed for the first time in a while. It was boring just sitting there by myself. God, I hated being bored.

She didn't have to come here. She didn't have to waste her time on me. And more importantly, her money.

It wasn't right.

But Haruhi was right about one thing: Not eating wasn't good for me. I mean, at first, I let the maids feed me in bed, but eventually I gave up. When they came in with breakfast or lunch, I sent them away. Now they didn't even have to come in, they knew my answer.

After a long time, she came in with a tray of food. I sat criss-cross and let her sit next to me with the tray on her lap. I wasn't too surprised, I mean, it wasn't anything complex or-well, rich- but it was nice enough and it smelled amazing, like what a real home meal smelled like.

I couldn't help but notice the way she looked at me then. It was different, like she was obligated to take care of me, but not forced. Like she wanted to. Like an older sister taking care of her younger brother.

There I go again with the little kid comparisons.

I'd never admit this to anyone, but that's just the way Haruhi made me feel.

Small.

Not in a bad way, though.

It was comforting, being aware that there was a force greater than you.

And by extension, Haruhi was comforting.

Not that I'd ever let her know that.

"You made all this?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yeah," Haruhi said, not like she was bragging, but more like it was obvious.

"You know we have maids for this, right?"

"Yeah, and do you eat their food?" Haruhi shot me a look, like she wanted me to protest.

When I didn't, she softened. Her point was made.

She took a scoop of food and held it out for me. Not for her to feed me, but for me to take the spoon from her.

"Can't you just feed me?" I whined, toying with her was just too fun to resist. I flopped back on the bed, emphasizing my fake helplessness.

"No, you can feed yourself," Haruhi said, cupping her other hand underneath the spoon so nothing would fall onto the sheets. "I worked really hard to make this for you, so you can at least eat it yourself."

I cracked a smile, "Serious as ever, I see." I took the spoon from her and fed myself. It tasted...sincere. The flavor wasn't as extravagant as food prepared by the maids, but it tasted different. Not as practiced or robotic. It was good. I took a couple more spoonfuls before looking Haruhi in the eyes to say, "Thanks."

She plopped the tray into my lap and smiled, "You're welcome, _Kaoru_."

She left again, this time for good, promising to drop by again soon on her way out.

As I finished the rest of my meal, I couldn't help but think of the way she'd said my name. Like it was a challenge.

Or an inside joke.

* * *

**A/N: Did you like it? Yeah, me either.**

**Please leave a review anyway!**

**Oh, and, guys, I'm a girl. A lot of "Dipper Diaries" readers were wondering. **

**Stay tuned for the next installment, there's much more to explore (:**


	2. The Absence

**A/N: I think this one'll be really** **short (maybe three chapters). Thank you, RageTheSage for reviewing. I'm sorry I'm cutting your "rosiemurderer" experience short though. **

**Enjoy!**

II.

Haruhi comes over almost everyday.

She told me she quit her job at the Bed and Breakfast. When I asked her if it was because of me, she rolled her eyes.

Because of Haruhi, I've been walking around the house again, even after she's gone home to her Dad. She's been able to take my mind off of things, playing commoner's board games in the den, baking cookies in the kitchen, or just sitting and talking. The maids think Haruhi's a miracle worker now. They don't tell me this, of course, but I hear it.

I still haven't left the house much though. I've maybe gone out to the garden a couple times, but I don't stay long. In everything happy, in everything bright, I see Hikaru. I even see him in Haruhi, a constant reminder of my failure.

_But I can't send her away. She's all I have left._

And even though she's part of the pain, she also helps relieve it.

That's why, when she leaves, I feel so hollow. _Like I've lost you all over again._

"How have you been?" she asked one day, completely out of the blue.

We were sitting on the patio sipping nonchalantly from our glasses of lemonade. It was warm out so she was wearing a pale blue sundress that complimented her fair skin. I know. I bought it for her.

_We bought it for her.  
_

"Fine," I said, simply to answer her strange question.

"Everyone's worried about you, y'know," she pressed.

I grimaced, "No, they're not."

"Yes, they _are_," she insisted, a new forcefulness in her voice, like she was about to lose her temper at any moment. "They ask about you almost everyday."

"Almost," I countered.

"They're _worried_," she persisted, her voice filled to overflowing with passion.

"You mean, _you're_ worried," I noted, raising an eyebrow.

She set her glass on the small side table, "I don't have to answer that."

I smirked, almost feeling like myself again. "Sure."

After that, the guys started coming over more. Very unannounced, I might add.

The Boss comes over the most, almost as much as Haruhi. Almost.

It's odd, but they never seem to come on the same day. It's like they have their own Take Care of Kaoru schedule.

On his first visit since Haruhi started coming, he sure was surprised when he saw me out of bed. I was sitting in the dining room having breakfast when the maids led him in.

"How _splendid_!" he cheered merrily, "Looks like _I_ finally got through to you, Kaoru! How _wonderful_! On the road to recovery and-"

"Boss," I deadpanned. I wasn't in the mood for this. "What brings you here?"

That kind of shocked him. "The need to visit you, of course. What else?"

I took another spoonful of oatmeal, it was starting to get cold because I was taking so long to eat. I wasn't used to eating by myself yet. I kept the spoon in my mouth as I said, "That it? How touching..."

Instead of looking offended, the Boss smiled, "Guess Hikaru's rubbed off on you in more ways than one, huh, smart mouth?" He ruffled my bedhead and showed himself out.

What did he mean "smart mouth"?

Of course he'd rub off on me. He's my brother.

_Oh. Did you catch that?_

He _was_ my brother.

Moving on.

Kyoya-senpai along with Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai dropped by a couple days after that. Honey-senpai nearly tackled me to the ground out of excitement.

"Oh, Kao-chan!" he cried, his small arms wrapped around my neck with an iron grip, "We were so worried! Haru-chan told us how you hadn't been eating so we tried bringing you a cake, but I got hungry on the way. It was good though! You would have liked it, I think. Are you okay? You're still not upset about-"

Honey-senpai's weight lifted off of me to reveal Mori-senpai. He started to walk off with Honey-senpai when he turned to me and said in his deep voice, "Good to see you, Kaoru."

I can hardly remember any other occasion when he'd called me by name.

We sat in the den to talk. Everything felt very business-like, maybe even practiced. Like they weren't just here for a friendly chat.

Kyoya told me about club activities for the remainder of the summer and how he'd understand if I missed them. He also found it a point to tell me how much money the club would lose with the absence of their devilish twins. Not that it mattered. One twin wasn't a brotherly love act. Even if I came back to the club, I'd have to completely reinvent myself.

Maybe play up the lost brother angle, but that was too much to think about at the moment.

I wouldn't do it though, even if it meant leaving the club for good.

I couldn't do that to you.

"Haru-chan's been really upset lately," Honey-senpai said, playing with his bunny Usa-chan's ears, "I think she blames herself for what happened to Hika-chan. And you."

I kept my eyes downcast. I didn't need them to see that that struck a nerve. "Why would she? Everyone knows whose fault it is." I didn't need to say it.

I couldn't say it.

"As I've said before, Kaoru," Kyoya-senpai said, "You've been acting very selfishly lately. And if I recall correctly, that was the reasoning behind sending Haruhi and Hikaru off on a date. To make Hikaru less selfish and more open? Maybe you should have gone on the date after all. It certainly would have prevented-"

"I thought I was doing the right thing," I said mostly to myself.

"And see where that got you," Kyoya snapped back. Always one step ahead.

I felt every part of my stiffen, my jaw tightening, my fists clench, my eyes shut.

"You have been acting pretty strange, Kao-chan," Honey-senpai went on, "Not like yourself. If it wasn't for Haru-chan coming by, you's still be in bed. It's just not like you."

"Yeah," Mori-senpai emphasized.

_It was always "us" and "them". They were never "us" and we were never "them." Our world was small, but that was the way we liked it. And as long as we had each other, Hikaru, we were stronger than them._

_But now, there's no longer an "us", it's just "me"._

_It's like a million to one, Hikaru._

_I can't do it without you._

_I'm not strong enough._

"I think it's time you left," I said, fighting back tears.

Honey-senpai tried to protest, "But Kao-chan-"

"No, Mitskuni," Mori-senpai interjected, stopping the small, blonde boy from clinging got me again. "He needs time."

"Mori-senpai's right," Kyoya-senpai agreed cooly.

Their footsteps to the door echoed slowly behind me until they faded into nothing. I didn't stand up until I heard their cars peel out of the driveway and down the road.

"Is there anything we can do for you, Master Kaoru?" the twin maids asked me.

I looked up at them, "Can you stop being twins?"

They looked down, disappointed almost. "We're sorry."

"It's not your fault," I assured them before excusing them.

It's mine.

_I'm sorry, Hikaru. _

I woke up to a stinging pain in my forearm. I wrenched away in a daze, still groggy from sleep. "Hold still!" a girl's voice scolded.

I watched at Haruhi's shining brown eyes materialized, inches away from mine. I pulled away quickly, trying to make as much space between us as possible. She tugged my arm again, stopping me short.

"What do you think you're doing?" I said, my voice surprisingly soft.

"I could ask you the same question," she said, not looking at me as she dipped another cotton ball into a clear solution: rubbing alcohol.

What kind of an answer was that?

I followed her gaze from bottle of rubbing alcohol to my forearm, which was raw with deep cuts.

_Those don't look like accidents, do they?_

"What did you think you were doing?" She still couldn't look me in the eyes. Her voice pierced through me like sharpened daggers.

"I don't-"

She didn't give me a chance to finish. "I leave you alone for one afternoon and I come back and you're-" Her voice faltered. "I thought you were-"

It was my turn to interrupt her. I wrapped my free arm around her and pulled her close to me, not conscious of what I was doing. "I'm sorry," I whispered into her hair. "I'm sorry, Haruhi."

Over her shoulder, I looked at the ugly slashes in my arm. Deep and ugly. A great imperfection on previously perfect skin.

_It made me sick._

"I come in and you're-"

"Shh," I insisted. "I'm sorry."

"I forgive you," she pulled away until we were seeing eye to eye, mere inches separating us. "Hikaru."

I felt a tug on my heart. "I'm Kaoru," but it felt like the voice was attached to a different body.

"No," she said slowly, "_You two may look alike, but you're very different_."

**A/N: I'll let you figure it out. Please leave a review!**

**One or two chapters to go. Thank you!**


	3. The Monopoly

**A/N: Is this the end? I think so. **

**Enjoy!**

III.

She always was smarter than us. She was an honors student at Ouran Academy, after all. But she was more than just book smart, she was smart when it came to people too.

She _always_ knew when you were upset.

She_ always_ knew what you meant when you said something.

She _always_ understood.

For us, she could_ always_ tell us apart.

At first, we denied it. There was no way we would let anyone on the inside, within our boundaries. There was always a safe distance.

_Until Haruhi._

Now, sitting on the bathroom floor with Haruhi, our roles reversed once again. In a flash, I went from comforting her to needing to be comforted.

She brought my world crumbling down with a three syllables: _Hikaru._

"You don't have to pretend anymore, Hikaru," Haruhi spoke softly, "You've been fooling everyone, your parents, Tamaki-senpai, the Club, into thinking that _you're_ Kaoru. Fooling yourself." _Stop. Stop. Stop. _"You wanted it to go on forever, thinking no one would notice." _Please. Please. Stop. _"You wanted to live the life Kaoru couldn't. Because of your mistake." _No. _"And you've been blaming yourself, tearing yourself apart over it." _  
_

_Yes. I have._

The tears streamed down my face like acid, burning, burning, burning. It all came flooding back. This was a hurricane and I was a tree, breaking at all contact.

_Our game. _

_I didn't think anyone would win this round. _

_But I'd lost before I'd even started._

_The day, the day of the accident, Kaoru did run off to find me. He saw me on the other side of the road, I guess, moping underneath a tree like the selfish bastard I am. With the rain beating down and the music blasting through my headphones, I was in my own little world. When I should have been in our world. _

_I didn't hear the car coming either._

_I didn't see him running across the road to meet me._

_But I saw the headlights..._

_And I saw his smile..._

_I blinked._

_And he was gone. _

_And so was I._

_I don't remember calling for an ambulance. I don't remember calling Haruhi. But I remember them coming._

_I couldn't move. I stood next to the __wreckage, the rain dripping down my back, soaking into my clothes, forcing myself to look at what I'd done. I couldn't though, not through my tears. _

_I couldn't feel anything. I was numb and hollow. There was nothing left inside me._

_I couldn't think. Any thought I tried to process faded just as I was about to grasp it._

_Sirens. Flashing red lights. Familiar voices. All muffled together, like a hazy nightmare._

_I was tackled by a wave of bodies. I saw flashes of dark hair and flashes of blonde hair. I recognized their voices but I couldn't process what they were saying._

_They sounded happy._

_But why?_

_A police officer, a woman who might've been pretty earlier in her life, took me aside by my shoulder. I towered over her small frame, but she made me feel so small, so insignificant. "Which one are you, son?"_

_I think I asked her to repeat herself._

_"Which twin are you?" she asked again._

_I looked over at the wreckage, they were taking his body away. "Kaoru," I said wistfully. "Kaoru Hitachiin."_

I played along. Strange as it sounded, making myself believe I was Kaoru made everything a little easier. I didn't miss myself as much as I missed him.

"It's all my fault," I hissed, shutting my eyes so tightly they hurt.

"No, it's not," Haruhi answered after a long pause.

I snapped. "What do you mean it's not?" My voice was getting louder, angrier, but I couldn't control it. I couldn't stop feeling. "If it wasn't for me, Kaoru would still be here! If I hadn't run off on my own, he wouldn't have had to come find me and he wouldn't have-" My voice broke. I took short, sharp breaths, I couldn't get enough air.

A gentle hand fluttered onto my shoulder. I met her eyes, which glistened with fresh tears. "Do you really think you have a monopoly on this?" She shook her head at me like she couldn't believe how big of an idiot I was. "Hikaru, if I'd run after you, I wouldn't have gone back and scared Kaoru. If I'd gone after you like my heart told me to, he would probably be here. I was the reason he ran off to find you. Because I came back alone."

Silence.

What was I supposed to say?

"I'm sorry," I said, "For everything. For running off. For being selfish. For causing all of this. I'm sorry." I felt the words flow out of me, warm and true.

"It wasn't just shock," she went on, "That made you want to be Kaoru. You _wanted_ it to be you instead of him."

_She was right._

"Yeah," my voice small and shaking.

"Don't do this again, Hikaru."

"I won't."

We sat there, the silence speaking for itself. I wanted to say something, something to reassure her. But I knew, deep down, it wasn't her that needed it.

She spoke for me. "You don't have to pretend your way through life, Hikaru."

"It's better than having to live with myself."

"No. No, it's not."

_She was right._

**A/N: To get one thing straight, I like Kaoru-No, I love Kaoru. Out of the two of them, he's my favorite. I'm just not very good at happy endings :/**

**I hope you liked this short story. Please leave a review! It would make me super happy (:**


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